Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
