I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
