I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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