I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
