life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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