He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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