She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
