Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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