My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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