Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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