he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
