I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he just fucked me for my cheese..