FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
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I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations