I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
