I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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