What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
