My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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