too bad you live with your parents still
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
