Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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