ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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