You can't special order awesome
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize