All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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