I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
