mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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