So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
