Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
