Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
