Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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