Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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