And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
