Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
