He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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