Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
