Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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