Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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