So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
