why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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