My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
