Your face is a jimmy john
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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