"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
