He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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