Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Randomize
