i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
