just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
