Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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