What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
