forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
