there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
