Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
