What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
