i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
