I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
