Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
