Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
