I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
