I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
