This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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