I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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