Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
