we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He passed out mid-signature
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have already put on my inside pants.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
