I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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