I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
